Epilogue
“In Youth, We Learn. In Age, We Understand.”
Epilogue
HAPPY ALONE
Claire pulled over to her sprawling, one story house.
A series of fortunate events is how she now viewed her life. Yes, complete with heartache, vicissitudes, sadness and grief. However, looking back at the past five years, she had to admit that she did well, and that Caleb, with all his many imperfections was by far the best and most useful thing that had happened to her. She also had to pat herself on the shoulder for having the wisdom and the foresight to finish her education, make contacts in the industry, meet lots of important people and by doing so, secure her future.
She smiled. Ahh…the dreams of youth. She got her bag and got out of the car. No, the reality was a lot better. She worked with artists, both country and rock, and at the tender age of twenty-five, was one of the most sought-out music PR people in Nashville. It wasn’t what she expected of herself—she imagined NYC or LA, maybe Miami, she thought she’d work for a big advertising firm, making campaigns for interesting products…None of that happened, thanks to Caleb.
She opened the door and called out “hello!”
It was quiet.
The house was a dream.
Wide and open, with lots of light, a spacious kitchen, outfitted with everything a person might need, multiple bedrooms, and a big family room, which overlooked the garden. There sure were many gatherings here, on the patio—the outdoor space was almost as large and well-furnished as the inside. She went to the bedroom, took off her work outfit, and dressed in jeans and a shirt. Although it was only late January, the weather was unseasonably warm and the evening was pleasant. She didn’t even need a jacket. She hoped that the summer wouldn’t be too unbearable. Deciding against taking the car, she chose to walk—a seven-minute stroll up the hill.
She punched the security code and entered the enormous house. Some band she didn’t recognize, was blaring through the speakers. She tried to discern the lyrics, and from what she could understand, she didn’t hear any expletives.
“Hello! Anybody home?”
She walked around the house, at least hearing splashing and yelling from outside.
She went out on the patio. The grill was on, and in the cooler, she spotted beer and a couple of bottles of wine. She stood, watching and smiling.
“Hey!”
“Hey Jared,” she came closer to the edge of the pool.
“Look, look! Look what he can do!” exclaimed Jared.
“Hey big guy,” she smiled and squatted, watching her 10-month old son float for a couple of seconds all on his own.
“Am, am, am,” he flayed his fat arms, beyond excited to see her.
“There is your mom,” laughed Jared. Then he explained, “I picked him up from school—by the way, he so smart! I think he is the smartest one in his group. He like knows everything!”
She chuckled. The baby was an endless source of amazement for Jared, so it wasn’t surprising that he viewed the child as the most brilliant 10- month -old in the world.
“Yeah, he did some really hard puzzle!” continued Jared, “all on his own. And really fast too! He might be a genius.”
“Come to ma, genius?” she opened her arms to the baby.
He was torn—pool was fun, but he also missed his mother. He struggled for a few moments, but then flapped his hands and reached for her.
“Traitor,” muttered Jared.
She laughed and fished her son out of the water and wrapped him in a towel. The pool was heated, but the air was chilly, so she rubbed him quickly with the towel. He looked at her and then threw his short arms around her neck and put his head on her shoulder. His ma was his favorite person in the world.
Jared followed and padded behind the two of them. He dried himself, brought the baby’s clothes and asked, “Burgers?”
“Sure.”
“Beer?”
“Sure.”
“Liam, you want a beer too?” he inquired.
“Well, considering his relations, I am sure he does want beer as well,” laughed Claire.
“Maybe something harder then?” proposed Jared.
Liam. He was a beautiful surprise, conceived, of all places, during Bonnaroo. Sometime between the pig roast and Jared almost getting arrested for stealing and joy riding in a golf cart, after the triumphant homecoming for the Kings, who blew away the crowd of 70,000 with their massive performance, she rushed to watch The Black Keys and Caleb was off the watch The LCD Soundsystem. They met up when the sun was rising; it was almost 5 am. A sweaty, exhausting, exhilarating night. What else could they culminate it with, other than lovemaking? It was a long, hot, pleasure-filled encounter outside, behind some tent, bone-melting and overwhelming. Call it women’s intuition, or whatever, but the moment he came, she knew what was inside of her. It was a perfect end to a long and winding path of her life and their relationship.
A month later, when she was sure, she arrived to NYC to tell him the exciting news, only to find him with Lily.
There was no time to cry or contemplate his betrayal.
She could’ve ran, but why? He was no longer the dominating figure in her life. She was going to be a mother, and what mattered was she and her child.
So she went back home. Back down South. To Nashville. To Tennessee, which, in Caleb’s own words was the best place to be. Obtaining a PR job in the music industry, after having worked with Kings of Leon, was not difficult. The family was surprisingly supportive. Her father told her that he had expected something like that to happen. “Too much fire, between you two,” he told her, “too much passion.” Her brother offered to “kick the shit out of Caleb”—he would and he could, since he was a linebacker for Tennessee. Since she did not want an all out war between the Prendergasts and the Followills to happen on her account, she concentrated on more pleasant things—such as buying a house. As fate would have it, the perfect place was found quickly, but of course, it was in the most inconvenient spot—four houses away from Jared’s magnificent, glass cube on the hill. But Jared was never there, either touring or banging models in NYC. And it was fine with her. Besides, Jared wasn’t known for befriending his neighbors much. Her house was a diamond—big and beautiful, with an enormous backyard and a pool. She didn’t need this much space, but she couldn’t pass up the opportunity.
Nobody would have found out about her pregnancy for a while if it wasn’t for a chance meeting with BettyAnn in a store. The older woman strolled purposefully towards her, and without saying a word, took her in a tight, loving embrace.
“Claire-bear, Claire,” she kissed her on the cheek. “I am sorry. What is there to say? What can I say?” she muttered.
“Nothing to say, BettyAnn. I am glad to see you.”
BettyAnn stepped back and almost instantly asked,
“Dear Jesus! How far along are you?”
Claire didn’t think that she was even showing yet, as she was only about 3 months pregnant, but apparently, BettyAnn spotted her burgeoning belly right away.
“About three months,” admitted Claire.
“Honey,” BettyAnn planted another kiss on her cheek, “first baby in the family! But that’s wonderful! Too early, of course, to know if it’s a boy or a girl. Wouldn’t it be nice if it were a girl?”
BettyAnn prattled cheerfully, her twang pronounced and pleasant to Claire’s ears. It reminded her of how happy she was to be home.
“Does Anthony know?” finally came the dreaded question.
Oh-oh. Anthony was in trouble. Whenever his momma called him that, that meant that he was in shitsville up to his neck.
Claire paid, waited for BettyAnn, and they exited the store.
It was incredibly hot.
“Let’s go sit somewhere where it’s cool,” worried BettyAnn, “you need to drink and not sweat.”
They walked to the nearby Starbucks, got themselves drinks and sat down.
“No, Caleb doesn’t know,” finally said Claire. “And I want to keep it that way.”
“Claire honey…it’s not,”
“No,” Claire raised her hand, politely but insistently, “I can’t think of Caleb right now. I have to think of myself. I am not ready to go through anymore drama, while I am pregnant. You must understand.”
BettyAnn nodded sadly.
“I understand.”
“He’s made a mess of things,” added Claire, “and I am not the one who’ll be chasing him. I heard that he got engaged, to Lily?”
“Yes, two weeks ago,” confirmed BettyAnn. “They were in Florida. He proposed after a concert.”
Claire shrugged.
“Well, then there is even less to say now.”
“But the baby is his…” chirped BettyAnn, “he ought to know about the baby…”
“Maybe one day. No need to tell him anything now. It will just confuse the situation even more.”
Liam held on to Jared’s knee tightly, too cowardly to let go. He was already standing, though he preferred to hold on to something, and he crawled like a madman. At times, when he forgot that he should be propping himself, he would stand on his own for a few moments, before realizing that he wasn’t supported and freaking out, by swiftly plummeting down on his butt.
Claire set a bowl of ice cream in front of Jared and stroked Liam’s head.
He had caramel-coloured hair, not as dark as hers, but he is inherited her soft curls. Both Claire and Caleb had blue eyes, they were almost the same shade, but as all Followill boys, Liam had an array of brown specks in his. He also had Caleb’s smile, which at times unsettled her. Otherwise, he was fat, big and pink, with round cheeks, chubby fists, even chubbier legs, and an affable, easy-going, but stubborn personality. Mannerisms-wise, he was all Caleb. Same laugh, when sad, same poutiness and irritability, same movements…he even held his hands the same way, and sat similarly. What’s more, he was also almost a Capricorn, liked his father, so their personalities were even more aligned.
“Here, you want some?” Jared scooped some ice cream onto his spoon and gave it to the baby. Liam grabbed his hand and gulped the ice cream down. He was so excited, he was shaking and bouncing in one spot, and before Jared got another scoop, he reached and grabbed Jared’s hand, pulling it towards him.
“Whoa, whoa! Here! You’d think you haven’t been fed in three days!” exclaimed Jared.
Claire laughed.
“Did you show Jared all your new teeth?” she asked.
“We got new teeth?”
“Four new teeth! Total of eight.”
“Who-a, no way? Dude! EIGHT teeth? You are like a shark! You have to be on “Shark Week” now!”
Claire was laughing. Liam was not at all threatening looking, and actually resembled a roly-poly, not a shark.
Liam opened his mouth and waited impatiently for another spoonful of ice cream.
“Fat Liam,” muttered Jared, giving more ice cream to the baby.
“Did you just call him “fat Liam”?” she inquired.
“No.”
Smacking Jared upside the head, she told her gluttonous son,
“When your uncles and your father are all messed up in the head and demented, because of all the drugs and drink that they had consumed in their younger days, you have my permission to beat them all up.”
“I can take him,” boasted Jared.
“Hell, not if he takes after my side of the family in size! If he is anywhere like Daniel, you don’t stand a chance.”
Daniel, Claire’s brother, who was a 6 foot 4 inch wall of lean muscle, could probably gather all three Followill brothers in the crook of one arm and wring them like a sponge. Yes, indeed, if Liam was going to be a Prendergast, Jared didn’t stand a chance.
Oh, the Followills.
A true “Hotel California” situation. One could check out, but one could never leave.
At first, it was just BettyAnn—they met at least once a week, for some shopping, or lunch, or to simply run errands. Then, it was Syd, Nacho’s girlfriend and Molly’s mom, who contacted Claire. They were good friends all throughout the tumultuous relationship, and Claire hated losing friends because of Caleb. So they met up, and Syd was also sworn to secrecy.
“How long do you think you can keep it up for?” inquired Syd.
“Listen, I realize it won’t be forever. But I don’t want him to bother me now. What’s he going to do? What’s the point?”
“Well, the least he should be doing is supporting you!”
“Pfff…No, that’s the last thing I need. He’s moved on with his life. So did I.”
Syd was aware that Claire made very good living and that she wasn’t hurting for money what so ever. The country was still awash in foreclosures, but economic tribulations didn’t not affect any of them much. Claire mostly worked on arranging interesting collaborations and duets between country and rock stars, and her life was just as surreal right now, as it was when she was with Caleb. Syd was a little in awe of her friend, seeing how she was able to take control of almost every situation that came her way.
“Don’t you have claim to like a bunch of his money?” asked Syd. “I mean, I know that the Nashville apartment and the NYC apartment are on both your names…”
“So?”
“You should hang him out to dry. Your cut probably is close to a million. Actually, probably more,” Syd was ruthless.
Claire smiled,
“Yeah, the last thing I want from him is his money. And lengthy litigation. No thanks. I have more than enough of my own money, and should something happen, my parents aren’t exactly poor either. I think I’ll be all right.”
“He is making her sign a prenup,” chuckled Syd.
It was probably also a blessing and a curse—this independence. For a man like Caleb, being needed was very important. He liked to think of himself as a provider, as someone who was the pillar of his family, of his little world. He wanted to know that without him, everything would go to hell. He was the Man of the house. That’s why he was always the singer, the player, the writer, the voice. Lily needed him. She needed the association to push her career forward, and his name carried enough weight and interest to others to make her interesting. Caleb wasn’t so stupid not to understand that. But he didn’t mind it, because it fell within the realm of his influence. He knew that without him, Lily would remain a third rate model who did catalog work. She still probably would never make the cover of “Vogue”, but she would advertise Victoria’s Secret underwear and be its “angel”. Unfortunately, for everybody involved, he could never quite accept Claire’s position. She only ever needed him for…him. He wanted more. He wanted her to need him, to depend on him, to meld into him completely. She couldn’t. She loved her Caleb, and Caleb didn’t need to be a rock star for her to love him.
…It was the day before Christmas. She woke up late. It was dark and cloudy outside and she was happy to be home. She lit her fireplace, made coffee, prepared pancake batter. Later in the day, she was planning to make trifle for tomorrow’s festivities and wrap whatever gifts were still unwrapped. Her baby was moving and kicking like crazy, and it made her walk around with a stupid happy grin on her face. She only just sat down for breakfast when the doorbell rang. She wasn’t expecting anybody, so it surprised her, but then it was the day before Christmas, and people were dropping by to say hello and exchange gifts all month long. She opened the door.
“Holy shit! Claire! Your stomach is huge!” Jared was huddling in his thin Burberry jacket, holding a tower of packages.
“Jared?” she truly was shocked to see him here, on her doorstep.
“Dude, let me in! I am totally freezing,” he demanded, and walked past her, into the foyer.
He looked around and whistled.
“Not too bad! I like it! Man…I want a tour.”
He set the boxes on the floor, unbuttoned his jacket and turned to her at last. Opening his arms, he said, “I missed you girl.” She stepped into his embrace and he pulled her to him.
“You look absolutely beautiful!” he then exclaimed. “But like really pregnant!”
She laughed and nodded,
“Yeah, really pregnant. Come in, come in. I was just going to have breakfast.”
They sat at the kitchen island and she poured him coffee.
“Jared, you are all buff and manly. I am impressed.”
He chuckled and nodded vigorously. He liked the compliment.
“You like?”
“Oh, I like…”
She placed pancakes on his plate and he looked her up and down.
“Can I touch it?”
“Sure, touch it. Everyone is touching it.”
He put his hand on her stomach and right away felt the baby move under the material of her sweatshirt.
“Oh my G-d…this is weird!” he muttered. Then he smiled widely and his eyes sparkled, “but so, so cool! I am gonna be an uncle! You know if it’s a boy or a girl?”
She shook her head,
“Nope. Don’t want to find out until they lay him or her in my arms.”
“I totally get it. I’d want to know, but then I wouldn’t…”
There was a long, meaningful pause. Jared didn’t look at her, as he chewed his pancakes.
“Come on, out with it,” she ordered.
He shrugged.
“Okay, mom’s worried about you. And she told me, and then Syd told Nacho,”
“Ugh,”
“No, no, nobody told Caleb. Nacho promised not to say anything. I mean, you probably know, that Syd and Nacho are kind of on the outs, so he is trying to fix things, and he’ll do what Syd says. But anyway, you know,” he added, “just because you broke up with Caleb, doesn’t mean you are not part of the family.”
“Haha,” she laughed, “but that’s exactly what it means!”
“Nah,” Jared waved his hand dismissively, “you aren’t together. So big deal? I mean, you know he’ll come back to you, right?”
“As far as I know, he is marrying another woman?” she reminded him.
“Ahh, so what? Listen, there are some things, which are meant to never be broken. And you two are that thing. You might crack, but you’ll always be glued back together. I mean, sucks for you two, but that’s just how it is.”
Claire couldn’t help but laugh.
“Jesus, are you back on crack?”
“No, no crack. But you know, you can argue with me till you are blue in the face, but you know I am totally right!”
“Wow, I didn’t think that you were such a believer in true and undying love.”
Jared glanced at her and said, seriously this time,
“I wasn’t. But then I saw it. And how can I deny it now?”
She became uncomfortable and got up, pretending to get something from the fridge. Her cheeks were aflame.
“I am sorry Claire. I know that he’s hurt you. I understand perfectly well. He always sabotages good things in his life, because he is like retarded or something. I don’t get it.
“Okay, let’s talk about happier things?”
“Yes, let’s. How are things in the KOL universe?” she asked.
“Good! Just came from England for Christmas. Did you hear?”
“The bus, on fire? Yes!” she nodded. “Nate tweeted that all was okay? Nobody was hurt?”
“No. Someone left a cigarette and the whole thing went up in flames. It was pretty salty for a while there.”
She shook her head,
“BettyAnn called me. She was pretty beside herself there for a while.”
Jared t’sked.
“It’s funny. Mom still calls you whenever there is trouble…Anyway. Yeah, we are okay. Sucks that we didn’t play the final concert. At least we got to get out of the UK—we weren’t snowed in for the holidays.
“Oh, oh—you know, I got Twitter!”
She smiled,
“Yeah, I know. I am following you.”
“Yeah?” he grinned, satisfied. “Man, I like got so many followers, like thousands—before I even tweeted. It was crazy! All of my girls spread the word,”
“Your girls?”
“You know, my fans. They are my girls. They got my back. They had like petitions of Facebook for me to get Twitter! Now I am nervous. What if I have nothing to say? Or they don’t like what I tweet?”
“You?” she waved her hand. “Nonsense! They’ll love every word.”
Jared nodded thoughtfully, clearly concerned about his popularity.
“Did you see my tweet from today?” he asked hopefully.
“In your onsie and Santa beard? Flipping people off?”
He smiled,
“Yeah! Cool, huh?”
“Bet everybody loved it,” she assured him.
“Oh, don’t worry, before you ask, Caleb isn’t getting one. He is grumpy. And his tweets would suck!”
Claire poured him coffee, saying, “I know he won’t. He is Twitter challenged.” Then she added,
“I was in England when you did press, back in October. Couldn’t escape the lot of you! You were on every channel and every radio station. It was exhausting.”
He laughed.
“Sorry.”
“Yeah, watched that All Excess thing…Caleb’s got quite the potty mouth! You should tell him to cool it with the cussing.”
Jared shuddered.
“Ohh…”
“What?” she smiled, “you were so offended by his endless cursing?”
“No,” Jared shook his head, “that I wasn’t offended by. But I was offended by that dude who interviewed us telling me about “stirring my brothers’ porridge”. What the fuck?”
She burst out laughing. Jared kept on shuddering.
“Gross man…I remember that part. I think a lot of people did a double take, when they heard that.”
“Seriously, it was one of the most disgusting things I’ve ever heard,” admitted Jared.
She went to make more pancakes and he began pacing the kitchen, tugging on his hair, as he usually did.
“Just smoke already!” she snapped, “you are making me nervous with your running around.”
He laughed and collapsed on the sofa, making himself comfortable.
He lit a cigarette, watching her cook.
“Do you have a boyfriend?” he asked.
She snorted and said,
“Who are you kidding, Jared?”
“Why? You are gorgeous, you have this incredible job I hear, where you mostly hang out with celebrities, you are not exactly poor…”
“I am also six months pregnant. Unlike Caleb, I don’t switch from one lover to another…I think I need some time without men.”
“Trust me, he didn’t exactly “switch”,” muttered Jared.
“Oh, he didn’t?” she sounded sarcastic.
Jared wouldn’t tell her, but he remembered Caleb raging and almost losing his mind when she had left. It was hard going for a few months there. At one point, they had to have an intervention as a band, to try to calm him down and get him to concentrate on the album. He was really crazy, and it was even obvious from the early “Come Around Sundown” publicity photos and interviews that not everything was right with Caleb. He was snarly and unpleasant, looking unhappy and exhausted. People assumed that it was from touring, but the band wasn’t even touring all that much.
Jared was torn. On one hand, he promised his mother and Claire to keep his mouth shut, but on the other hand, he felt bad for his brother. Not only did Caleb lost the woman that he loved more than anything else, but he also didn’t even know that he was going to be a father. And Jared was fully aware that the only thing Caleb could think about lately, was children. It was almost as if he sensed internally the coming of his baby. But there was nothing to do right now, but go with the flow.
After breakfast, they went for a walk around the neighbourhood.
“What’s next for you guys?”
“Australia…Then, I don’t remember. Back to Europe I think.”
“Nothing changes, huh?”
“I guess not. Sure gets tiring.”
“Believe me, I’ve done it for a while, and I was tired,” she admitted.
“What you doing for New Years?” she asked.
“St. Barts baby! Right after Christmas.”
“Nice.”
“You should come too!” he proposed enthusiastically.
“Oh, in my condition, I kind of think it might be safer to stay stateside,” she patted her stomach.
“Yeah, guess,” he agreed.
“I am going to Chicago for New Year’s. The Black Keys are performing. Hope there is no blizzard or anything.”
“Oohhhh, that’s awesome!”
“And then we’ll probably go out with Dan and Pat somewhere or something. They are there for a few days.”
Jared threw a quick, questioning glance at her and asked,
“You got a thing going with Dan?”
“Oh my G-d!” she exclaimed. “You are like your brother! Just because I am friends with someone, doesn’t mean I am sleeping with them. I told you I don’t have anyone. Maybe after the baby is born I’ll start entertaining the idea.”
Back home, she handed him a platter of cookies and a bag of fudge.
“Thanks!” he kissed her cheek.
“Sorry, I don’t have a gift. Wasn’t expecting you.”
“This will do really well!”
“They should keep, till you come back from your vacation. Just remember, kind of keep it away from Caleb’s prying eyes,” she warned, “he’ll recognize it…he knows how I bake.”
“Oh yeah, totally.”
Of course, he forgot to follow her advice. In a day or two, Caleb stopped by. He went to get a beer and saw an almost empty platter of cookies on the counter. His eyes narrowed. Jared didn’t exactly have a lot of people around him who gave them homemade cookies. Besides, the pretty raspberry jam-filled Linzer ones that lay on the platter looked strangely familiar.
“Jared…Jared…” he called out.
“What?”
“You took up baking?”
Silence.
“What?”
“Did you take up baking? Pretty good looking cookies. Mind if I have one?”
Jared’s heart fell.
“Ummm…sure!”
Silence.
He thought that Caleb actually did just want a cookie.
But in the next moment, Caleb was back in the room, crunching on one.
“So…where did you get it? These are really good.”
Act normal. Just act normal.
“My neighbor dropped them off. Christmas present.”
It wasn’t even a lie. Not entirely.
“Why?” he then pressed.
Caleb shrugged.
“No reason.”
“So then what the hell are you ass raping me for with these cookies?”
Caleb bit his lower lip and didn’t answer for a while. Jared continued to seethe with righteous indignation.
“They look exactly like Claire’s,” finally threw Caleb and left the room.
Her son was born in the middle of February. He was a couple of weeks early, but was never the less perfectly perfect. She named him Liam, simply because she liked the name, it was neutral and it fit him. His middle name was Townes. She couldn’t change it, even when she struggled to do so. But it simply stuck and there was no escaping it.
“Come on, one step!” pleaded Jared. “Come on, man!”
The “man” was firmly clutching at the chair and wouldn’t budge. He stared at Jared with annoyance, since his uncle was waving an array of tempting toys in front of him. There was his favorite red fire truck that his grandma BettyAnn gave him. His big stuffed hedgehog, which his uncle Matt brought from Europe. Another, new big toy, with wheels and ladders and bells, that his grandpa John gave him for Christmas. Not to mention his favorite book, with pop-up pages, that his grandpa Ivan would read to him and act out in different, fun voices.
“Come on Liam, look what I have!” Jared twirled a big shiny cube in his hands, “come,” he extended his hand to him, “don’t be scared…”
“Will you leave him be?” begged Claire. “He won’t take a step until he is ready.”
“Well, I am leaving soon! And I want to see him take a step before that!”
Liam turned his head and cried a little, from frustration. He was rather spoilt, having enjoyed attention mixed with adoration and adulation from his very birth. He was the first baby to two large families, so all his grandparents, uncles, great-aunts, and great-uncles went crazy for him. Besides, he was also unbearably cute and unfussy, so he wasn’t scary to inexperienced uncles and aunts. Consequently, he expected his whims to be catered to and when he wanted something, he usually got it. So what his uncle Jared was doing now did not sit well with him.
“Great, now he is all pissed at you!”
“It’s okay, we’ll patch things up, right?” Jared grabbed the baby and swirled him around in the air. “See, we are besties.”
She laughed and shook her head.
“All right, besties. You’ll have to part ways soon, because he needs to go to bed. He is already nuts, as he always is after an evening with you.”
“Soooo…when can he come on tour with us?”
“Ummm, that would be never.”
“No way. I want to start teaching him bass soon!”
“That’s great. That’s what I want for him, groupies and drugs and touring.”
“Hey, he already has a passport. So why not? And he goes to the same places we do.”
Because Claire had to travel for her work, Liam was a typical Followill in his transiency. He had his passport, and in his short life, he’s visited the UK at least four times, and been to Germany, France and Italy. Up until recently, Claire was breastfeeding him, so there was no way she could leave him at home, and in truth, he didn’t mind planes, trains and automobiles. He was pretty blasé about things, and wasn’t inconvenienced by the frequent movement. He also didn’t know that people like Joni Mitchell, Eric Clapton, Jeff Beck and Alison Krauss, played with him and brought him treats and toys.
Jared walked them home. Liam was sitting in the stroller, singing loudly.
“He cracks me up…He is so similar to Caleb. That’s how Caleb is when he is super drunk.”
Jared fell silent abruptly, knowing that he had said too much.
Claire didn’t answer.
Thankfully, her pregnancy and the birth of her child prevented her from actually experiencing the full degree of emotional and physical loss that she sustained upon leaving Caleb. But even Liam could not prevent the gnawing of all the demons in her head. She missed Caleb. Every single moment of every day. Awake and sleeping. She missed him. What he meant to her and how much she actually loved him was revealed only when he was no longer in her life. For she missed every single part of him—the crooked little smile, the uneven teeth, the insane laugh, the hairiness of his arms, the bigness of his hands, the span of his shoulders. She missed his shyness and awkwardness, as much as she missed his swagger. She missed the bluntness, the smell of his breath on her neck, the flutter of his eyelashes during sleep, the chewing of the lips, the randomness of his observations. She missed how he whispered things to her, or held the small of her back, or when he laid his head on her stomach, when they’d be talking in bed. She missed how he stretched certain words and betrayed his Southerness, how he crossed himself sometimes, or started to ramble about Jesus, or how he spoke in a gentle hush, especially in the mornings. She missed pushing his hair up and off his forehead, and kissing the long receding hairline. She missed the tilt of his hips against her, how he sunk into her so perfectly and never failed to elicit a gush of pure, unimaginable pleasure inside of her. She missed the feel of his beard on her shoulder, when he’d put his head there, and how he’d always kiss her nipples after they were done making love. She missed his nervousness, his unbelievable sense of humor, the dry wit and sarcasm that so many mistook for rudeness. She missed seeing him next to the stove, chopping and mincing, as well as his walk, or how he ate, and his lack of interest in clothes, or how excited he became over dumb games and what a horribly sore loser he was. She missed going to OU games, the fevered excitement during and after, the tailgating. She even missed arguing with him over the cleanliness of something, or his drinking, as well as his temper, and his pouting. She certainly missed the sex, which was always so incredibly satisfying, pleasurable and which she took for granted. She missed the intimacy of having that relationship, of knowing that he was there, or loving him, of sharing herself with him. No one else knew what it felt like, and nobody else knew the Caleb that she knew. For the sake of her sanity, she couldn’t allow herself to doubt the correctness of her decision, even if deep down, she knew that it was utterly incorrect. But she had to accept that what was done, was done.
Kindly, the Followills didn’t discuss Caleb with her, and she never asked about him. On occasion, something would slip—BettyAnn would say “Tony”, or Jared would make a comment, but thankfully, they seemed to have realized that such discussions were painful for her to endure, and they always kept themselves in check. Only once, Jared, a little drunk, said something along the lines of Liam having a brother or a sister. She laughed and said “by who? The Holy Spirit?”. Jared pressed and said, “No Claire. By Caleb. You’ve already had two children by him, I am pretty sure you’ll have more. I know that you want it, and I know that he wants it.” She never asked Jared what he had meant.
Liam succeeded in untying his hat and then he threw it out of the carriage on the ground.
Hats weren’t his favorite.
“Uh, what are you doing?” muttered Jared, picking the hat up.
When he tried to put the hat back on Liam’s head, a fierce struggle ensued, and Jared lost.
“Oh my G-d! He bit me!” he blew on his finger. “What a thug!”
Claire was laughing. Liam tore the hat off his head and hurled it even further, because now he was mad. She squatted in front of her son and warned him, “No biting!”
He understood perfectly, tried to stare her down, gave up and turned away, pretending to play with his hedgehog. He really didn’t like it when his mom scolded him.
“Yeah, I know who he takes after,” muttered Jared, inspecting his finger.
Claire inquired,
“Now tell me, what’s on the love front for you?”
“Ohhh, love-front. Too messy. I am torn…”
“Between?”
“I don’t know…remember Amber?”
“Yes, wasn’t she working for you at some point?”
“Yeah…So her. We like, REALLY had a good thing going. It was pretty…intense. I aint ever had it that good with a chick before,”
“Sex-wise?”
“No, I mean sex was awesome, but it was more. We had, I don’t know, a similar brain or something. I really fell for her,”
“But?”
“I don’t know,” he frowned, “New York, then touring…”
“Hmmm, seems like New York screwed up a lot of things.”
“Seems like it. But then in New York I met up with Jackie again. And you know Jackie of course.”
“Of course. I thought you broke up with Jackie a while back? Before Amber?”
“I did,” he ran his fingers through his hair, “but then I met her again, by accident in NYC. But then I also have Amber here, and wanted to bring her to New York.”
She whistled.
Liam liked that, and tried to whistle too. But all that came out was drool and bubbles. He tried harder. The two adults stopped in the middle of the road, bent over with laughter.
“Oh my G-d. I am going to have a heart attack now,” moaned Jared, clutching at his chest.
“He is such a weirdo.”
They laughed and laughed, until the fit subsided.
When they finally resumed their walk, Jared became suddenly serious. His face clouded and he rubbed his chin.
“What?” she asked.
“Ahh…nothing.”
“Come on now,” she pressed.
“You’ll be angry, but I am gonna say it anyway. It shouldn’t be me here, with you and him…it should be Caleb. He is missing all this. You, your baby…He should be seeing Liam take his first steps. And they should be singing together…”
“Jared, stop it,” she spat and he saw tears in her eyes.
“Claire,”
She sped up, pushing the stroller in front of her with such force that it threw Liam back, and he turned around to see what the hell was going on with his mom and why she was almost running. But the bouncing was kind of fun, so he laughed and clapped with excitement.
“I am sorry,” Jared caught up with her. “I am sorry. I won’t say anything again.”
She stopped and fumbled with her keys at the door.
Jared took her hands in his and held them. She turned to him, but wouldn’t look up.
“Are we cool?” he finally asked.
She was silent for a moment.
“We are cool,” she nodded and looked up at him at last.
“Good.”
“You gotta figure out your ladies’ situation,” she suggested.
He smiled.
“Yeah…easier said than done.”
“Go with your heart Jared. Not your dick. You know where that leads.”
“Now I do.”
“See you. Thanks for everything.”
She kissed his cheek and went inside.
Jared was amazing throughout the past two years. They were never really close when she was Caleb. Even discounting Jared’s romantic advances a few years back, they kind of mostly snapped and growled at each other. Then he found her pregnant, and it completely changed his attitude. She never asked him for it, but he sort of automatically took on the role of the male figure in Liam’s life. When he wasn’t touring, he always made an effort to spend time with his nephew. He insisted that Liam get the best possible education from the start, so he offered to enroll him in a Montessori school, and he picked up the tab for all the educational expenses, such as yearly tuition and college fund. Not that the Prendergasts weren’t able to afford the same education for Liam, but Jared wouldn’t hear of it. He actually had a serious meeting with Claire’s father, as well as with her, outlining his plans. In turn, Liam loved school, sometimes even cried when it was the weekend and there was no school. When he had the time, Jared would take Liam for “male bonding” time, and always brought him toys and cute outfits—especially Burberry—from wherever he was touring. He also paid for Liam’s nanny, who was a lovely, cheerful Scottish woman, who made the trip across the ocean to work in this strange land of Tennessee. She used to mind the children of some English lord until they grew up. Jared felt that Liam should have proper genteel upbringing, and the nanny’s English background played well to his ideas about correct education. Besides, he always thought that Claire was kind of prissy, so while his mom wouldn’t know what to do with a Scottish nurse, Claire would do very well with the woman. He was right.
At home, Claire was in the middle of giving Liam a bath, which was usually a messy affair, as he liked to splash and flap about like a beached whale, when the phone rang.
“Ugh, who the hell is that?”
Keeping one hand on her rowdy son, she grabbed the phone with another and hollered impatiently,
“Yes?”
“Ma!” Liam handed her a rubber duck, but then grabbed it away and slammed it in the water, causing an explosion of droplets.
“Hello?” she repeated.
A familiar voice, husky and gentle, asked quietly, “Is that my son?”
Then there was silence.
“ I’ve been thinking of you. Every day of my life.”
THE END
