You Can Never Hold Back Spring
You Can Never Hold Back Spring
Song: You Can Never Hold Back Spring, by Tom Waits
Chapter 11
Inevitably, February slowly trickled into March. It’s been a long time coming, since the winter was rough, cold and snowy for Tennessee. But March sprung forth with warmth and sunshine and tiny buds on tree branches.
Nothing much changed in her life. School, friends, work. Some even thought that her life was exciting—in January, she had gone to Vegas, even won some money, with which she took another vacation, this time to Paris and Barcelona. While the weather in Europe left much to be desired, she enjoyed her time immensely. For the first time, she actually wasn’t thinking about Caleb all that much. She ate her way through bistros, drank good wine, something that she had developed a taste for while with Caleb, got her wallet snatched on Las Ramblas, went to Real Madrid vs. Barcelona football game, visited every church between Notre Dame and La Sagrada Familia—her personal passion, stuffed herself with pastries in Paris, attended the opera and took a side trip to Versailles and Château Vincennes.
Upon returning, she went back to school, and followed some local bands around, along with her friends. Uncle Gus took her off waitressing duty and transferred her to the office, where she did accounting, inventory management and accounts receivables. It was far from exciting, and soon she asked her uncle to give her a few days behind the counter as well. She enjoyed talking to the customers and listen to their rambling, drunken, booze and tears soaked tales. The back office was much less entertaining.
Uncle Gus was the only person who had noticed the change in his beloved niece. She was a different bird, that one. His sister married into a well-to do family, and the three children were different from the dozens of their cousins. This one, the pretty one, was especially different. She was smart and steadfast, didn’t get into bad situations, didn’t get pregnant in high school, as so many of her cousins did, she was a good student and was easily accepted into college. Clear-headed, funny and irreverent, she had something in her that instantly attracted people.
But, in the past few months, she was sad. She pretended well, and no one seemed to have noticed, but Gus knew her much too well. She was suddenly older, more mature, and her eyes were not soft and laughing anymore. There was a hardness in her that he didn’t appreciate. And neither did she smile as often as she did before. Before what? He didn’t know. She never said anything, not to him, not to his daughter, who was her good friend. There were no boys, no one she was pining for. She didn’t date, even though men asked her out often. In fact, she stubbornly didn’t date, and only dealt with men when in a group with other people. Gus tried talking to her, but predictably, it was no use. She wasn’t going to spill her heart and soul to him, or to anyone else for that matter. She’s always been secretive.
It was a windy, but pleasant day. She came to the bar, her soft hair disheveled about her face and neck. It was still quiet, and only two or three regular drunks sat at the bar. They nodded towards her and she patted their backs as a greeting. Gus looked at her and smiled. She was a snappy dresser, probably from all her foreign travels. Sometimes she even looked foreign, especially here, in central Tennessee. He knew that girls came into the bar sometimes especially to check out what she was wearing, and days later he spotted them sporting similar outfits on the streets of Lebanon. Most of them had never even left Davidson County, let alone visited other countries, so she was always a bit of a novelty to everyone. He was also sure that she was oblivious to the scrutiny.
“Good day Uncle,” she greeted him.
“Good day girlie. Gina’s called off. Tommy’s in trouble in school, so she had to go get him and talk to the principle.”
“Tommy is such a stupid little troublemaker,” she shook her head.
“Mind taking front of the house tonight?”
“Sure. I was thinking that I’d rather be here tonight, than at the office.”
They chatted about family stuff, while she wiped glasses and talked to the kitchen staff, in anticipation of the Friday night rush.
After 2 am, the crowds began to thin out.
She was tired. Men were hitting on her mercilessly, and she was exhausted from rebuffing them and coming up with endless one-liners. Bobby, the bouncer, had to intervene a few times, to remove particularly eager suitors. He was huge and shy, and he had asked her out months ago, and they went out to the movies. He was a gentle giant and a perfect gentleman, and at the end, he told her not to be angry with him, but she was “too fancy” for him. She wasn’t angry at all, and was happy when he found a simpler girl with whom he’s been going steady for the past four months. She was “too fancy” and she scared local boys, who didn’t feel comfortable with her, thinking that she was too smart and knew too many things and had been to too many places.
“I’ll have a shot of tequila.”
A voice, too unmistakable, stopped her in her tracks. She didn’t turn around for a long time. The soft, gravelly, scratchy Southern drawl was tattooed on her brain forever. What was he doing here? Why was here? She forgot to breathe for so long, that once she came to, she coughed, almost chocking.
At last, there was nothing else to do, but to turn around and face him.
He looked awful. Drawn, gaunt, too thin, hair limp and dull, eyes bleak and watery, without the usual bemused spark in them. A three-day-old stubble covered his face, but when it would’ve been sexy before, now he looked like a guy who was too lazy to shave. He huddled in a thin leather jacket, hands in the pockets of his jeans, slouching, clearly making an effort to be here now.
He looked at her with an almost palatable hunger in his eyes, the same expression that he had when he was about to kiss her, and start undressing her, revealing her body to his eager hands and adoring gaze. But he just stood there, and devoured her in silence, his face reddening lightly, the puffed, drunken eyelids of someone who was overindulging in booze way too much, unblinking. It was as if feared that closing his eyes even for a moment would make her disappear.
She swallowed, trying to hide the trembling of her fingers in the folds of her clothes. Like a flood, every memory of them together crashed over her, making her almost dizzy. The vein on his neck protruded forth and she instantly yearned to press her lips to it, and to have him touch her face with his stubby fingers, and feel the scratch of the stubble against her thigh, and see the sparkle of the cross on his chest, as she kissed every muscle of his arm and shoulder. The past six months cured absolutely nothing, and it became painfully obvious to her that whatever she did in hopes of erasing him from her life was woefully useless and utterly unsuccessful. He was a curse, but a most desirable, impossible, sinful, beloved of all curses.
“We are out of tequila,” she said at last, looking straight at him.
Confusion muddled his face, but she added,
“You look like tequila’s become a good friend to you lately. You could do well with a Coke.”
She filled a glass with ice and siphoned Coke into it, sliding it towards him and giving him a napkin.
He smiled, at last, lacerating her aching heart with that smile, that drew all his feature upward and revealed the misshapen teeth. The stubby fingers closed over the glass and he took a sip.
“Best Coke I’ve ever had,” he said at last, licking his lips.
“That’s our specialty,” she answered.
He looked straight at her and extended his hand, saying,
“I am Caleb. Nice to meet you.”
She hesitated for a moment, but then told him her name and took his hand. He gripped it in his ham-fisted paw and didn’t let go.
“I am better known as the dumbass who let go of the finest, most beautiful and kindest thing that he’s ever had the honor of having, because he was too chickenshit and too concerned with his fears to beg her to return to him.”
“And now?”
“And now he is here…been stalking your car in the parking lot like some creepy wanna-be rapist for the past three evenings. Haven’t had the guts to come in here. So just waited for you to come out, watched you get in the car and drive away.”
“Creep,” she said icily.
“Total creep,” he agreed.
“What do you want?” she inquired.
He brought her hand to his face, palm up and pressed his nose into the wrist, inhaling deeply.
“Didn’t change…Strawberries and sunshine.”
Her legs buckled a bit under her, especially when he placed a tender, long kiss inside her palm and wouldn’t let go.
“I don’t even know why I am here,” he whispered into her hand, kissing it repeatedly. “Only I know that it’s bad for me, without you. Just bad. It hasn’t been good since you left, and it will get only worse.
“I wouldn’t be surprised if you’ve moved on since then. If you have a man…a better fucking man than I am.”
She pulled her hand away and turned to another customer, who had asked for a beer. She popped the cap, gave the beer, took the money and stuffed the cash into the cash register. It was a more difficult task than usual, with her shaking hands and Caleb’s unwavering gaze.
‘So?” he asked finally.
“So what?”
“So, you got a man?”
She looked at him and biting her lip said,
“Yeah…”
“Oh,” his face tried not to betray the devastation that she caused with the simple “yeah”.
She didn’t speak for a while, but then continued,
“Yes, my man is a stupid man. Brawly, silly, infantile, self-involved. He doesn’t treat me so well all the time. He tries, but he always thinks that he knows better, because he is a man. He’s got insecurities up the wazoo, and also a bad temper…”
“He sounds like an asshole,” he murmured.
“Yeah, most people might say that, if they knew the bad parts of him. But I am a fool. And I can’t quit him. Because I love him, for no apparent reason. But even thinking of him makes me happy. And when I wake up, I first think of him and I wish him a good day, and when I go to sleep, I say “good night” to him, and he is my last thought for the day.”
She blushed softly, admitting her obsession to him.
“Why do you love such a man?” he asked quietly.
She shrugged,
“Who the hell knows? Who can ever answer this question? I love him, because he is right for me. It’s unfortunate that I couldn’t get someone more stable, solid, responsible…Yet being with him is the happiest I can ever be.”
He stroked her fingers and then asked,
“Now what?”
“Now I have to finish my shift and close this place.”
He sat on the stool at the bar, sipping his coke.
“Are you hungry?”
“Yeah,” he nodded, and he looked it.
“The kitchen is closed, but I’ll make you a sandwich.”
There were only six-seven people left in the bar and she returned quickly, with a plate full of chips, pickles and a sandwich.
“Thanks, love.”
The “love” word made her jump inside her skin a little, and she still fought hard to remain composed, as she went about her tasks, cleaning and wiping the tables, closing out tabs, joking with the drunken patrons, calling taxis. Caleb, who was always comfortable with silences, ate quietly and watched her. The sight of him made her irrationally, indescribably happy.
“Good night!” at last, the last customer was out the door.
Bobby the bouncer kissed her on the cheek and nodded towards Caleb,
“Friend of yours?”
“Yes,” she nodded, “he is all right. He’ll walk me to the car.”
Bobby always walked her to the car when she finished late.
“He looks kind of scrawny,” he frowned.
She smiled and said,
“He can take care of himself. And I am not anticipating an attack. You always worry. Good night, and say hi to Shelly.”
She watched Bobby walk away and then closed and locked the door.
Being alone with Caleb still made her nervous, because she didn’t know what to say and what he expected. As soon as she turned around, she almost walked into Caleb, who stood right behind her. His arms wrapped around her and he pulled her close to his body, pressing his cheek into her head. She stood, without shifting, but didn’t hug him back. His heart was beating rapidly against her cheek. He smelled of tobacco—obviously, he took up smoking again.
“Caleb…” she said at last, but he gently pressed his finger to her lips and murmured,
“Just another moment. Before you leave me again. Let me enjoy it.”
She didn’t. She stepped back and said,
“You need to rest. You seem overworked and gnawed through and through. What is going on with you? Are you on drugs?”
“No, I am not on drugs!” he exclaimed. Then he thought and added, “Did a few things, after you left, thinking it will take the pain away, but it didn’t help at all. Only made everything worse. So I am clean.
“It’s just that not having you around has been hard on me. And the tour was exhausting too…and coupled with all this drama and drinking…The year could’ve been better.
“Can you please come with me to the farm?” he requested quietly.
She gave the proposition a brief consideration and said,
“No. I don’t think so.”
“Okay, I understand. This was probably a bad idea. I need to leave you alone and move on.”
“You need to come with me, and stay at my place for a little while,” she corrected him.
He gripped her shoulders and looked intently in her face.
“Are you serious?”
“I am serious. I think you need to stay away from your brothers and from the booze for a little while…Are you staying here? In town?”
“Yes, for a while. We didn’t record the album then. So now, we have enough material and we are ready. And we’ll do it here, in Nashville. We considered LA, but I think I’d rather do it home. There is a lot in that album that’s about you—maybe indirectly—but I know how you’ve saturated so much of what I had written. I’d want it to be here, near where you are.”
“About me?” she asked, puzzled.
He scratched his head and cleared his throat.
“Yeah…I didn’t set out to write it like that, and sometimes I didn’t even realise that that’s what I meant, when I wrote it, but looking back, I see now that whether I was angry, or happy, or crying—most of it was somehow related to you. Memories, or feelings that you’ve made me experience.
“I suppose the whole album will be like a big ol’ love song to you. But I won’t tell anyone. Not even the guys. Only you know it.”
She stepped closer to him and threw her arms around his neck.
“I’ve missed you so much,” she let out at last, and tears poured out of her eyes freely and suddenly.
He held her gently, letting her cry, kissing her head.
“I am so sorry for almost ruining it all,” he whispered, “but I hope that we have another chance.”
Gingerly, he peeled her face off his shoulder and wiped her eyes and cheeks with his fingers.
“I don’t like to see you crying, especially ‘cus of me,” he said glumly. “Please don’t…”
She wiped her tears and smiled.
“I am not…sorry…just getting overly emotional with happiness.”
“Now, I kind of have to do this,” he lifted her chin and pressed his lips to hers. She didn’t even try to resist. The kiss was a most natural, simple, welcome act, and whatever resentment she felt towards him in the past had evaporated almost instantly. He held her head, kissing her deeply, yet tenderly, without any overt lustiness. It was a simple kiss, with everything laid bare and exposed between the two of them.
She pulled away at last and caressed his cheek.
“That was nice,” she whispered with a smile.
“It was.”
“Stay here, I’ll get my bag and we are off.”
She locked the money in the safe, grabbed her bag and coat from the office and came back to Caleb, who was waiting patiently in a booth.
She turned off the lights and locked the door.
“I see you got a new car,” he said.
Gone was her practical Honda, replaced with a flashier Mini Cooper.
“So did you,” she nodded at a humble Chevy pickup truck. That was the reason she didn’t notice him before. If she had spotted a sleek Lexus parked at the bar, no doubt she would’ve known that Caleb was nearby.
“Well, I needed a decoy,” he chuckled.
“You are a regular James Bond.”
He followed her down the deserted streets and side roads, back to the city. She surprised him, yet again. She lived in a nice part of the city, a place where he would’ve never even dreamed of living if he didn’t make it in music. Old trees lined her street and he stopped his car next to a neat, two-story house.
“I am on a second floor.”
“How can you afford all this?” he wondered.
“Our father took care of us since before we were born. We had investments and properties and other such things,”
“Trust fund babies?” he smiled crookedly.
“Not exactly. Far from it…I cashed some CDs and stuff to buy the apartment. My parents refused to let me rent, saying it’s a waste of money. So the only way I could move out of their house was to buy my own place.”
He shook his head.
“Sure is a different life from other girls your age…Most of our relations either go to Bible College and learn to preach for two years, of go work construction, and the girls get knocked up either in high school or soon after. That’s about it.”
“Yes, I know,” she opened the door to the apartment, “but I wasn’t looking for a life like that. I guess it’s as removed from me, as my life removed from the knocked-up-at-16 girl’s.”
Caleb entered a spacious, well-furnished apartment, with gleaming wooden floors, and many architectural details such as arches and crown mouldings. The windows were huge in the living room.
She yawned and said,
“My G-d, I am too old for these long nights! It’s almost 4 am already!”
He laughed.
“Too old? At your age, that’s when the night started for me.”
“Yeah?” she huffed, “and how long did you last?”
“Well…that’s a whole other question,” he strolled around the rooms, the updated kitchen, the small office, before stopping at the door to the bedroom.
She stood, arms folded on her chest, watching him.
He turned on the light and glanced at her.
“Listen lover boy,” she said bluntly, “if you think I am gonna hop in the sack with you tonight, think again!”
“I didn’t,” he started, but she interrupted him,
“Yes, you did. This is where you are sleeping,” she nodded to the pullout sofa that stood in the den. She went to the linen closet and took out bedding and towels for him.
“You are being unreasonable,” he muttered—a rock star who wasn’t used to being rebuffed. She was used to the attitude and shrugged it off. He was already pouting and slouching, but she made his bed and then came to him and wrapped her arms around his waist.
“I can’t have you be thinner than me!” she whispered. “I am not going to be qualified as the “fat girlfriend”.”
He laughed loudly, and the sound of that crazy laugh made her giggle and churned her inside into a happy cartwheel. She’s missed that sound in her life.
“Babe, you have a way to go before you are the “fat girlfriend”. And I’ll tell you if you are climbing that hill a little too fast,”
“Oh, I am sure that you will. Go to sleep.” She reached up and kissed him quickly. “I am so happy that you are here. That you came back.”
“So am I,” he brushed her cheek with the back of his fingers and then kissed her back. “And you are fucking beautiful!”
“Hahahaha,” she cracked up. “Some compliment! Only from you, Caleb Followill! A compliment with a curse word. You haven’t lost your romantic streak. Thank G-d!”
He laughed,
“Sorry. Okay, you are very beautiful. Is that better?”
“I’ll even take “fucking beautiful”. Thanks!”
“When I saw you again, the other day, I just about fell over. What a beautiful woman this is, I thought. Head to toe. From the dark hair, to the big eyes, and your lips,” he drew his thumb over her mouth.
She looked at him and chortled quietly,
“You can keep on talking, but you are still not getting in my pants!”
“G-d, you are awful!” he exclaimed, looking very hurt, “Jesus! I forgot that mouth of yours! Here I am, trying to say all these nice things to her, and what do I get in return other than mockery?”
“Awww, sweetheart, thank you,” she rubbed her nose against his scratchy cheek. “It’s just a little bit funny to me when you try to be so vocal and full of beautiful words. I am used to the sarcastic, dry Caleb. My darling, mean, moody drunk.”
He sniggered.
“I like hearing it though,” she added. “Any woman would. So thank you.”
In the middle of the night, she felt her bed move and shift beneath additional weight. Caleb slipped under the blanket and stretched his nude body against hers. She didn’t turn around. He took her in the crook of his arm, draping the other arm over her stomach. She put her hand over his fingers and sighed contently. This was the right place to be, so she slept undisturbed.
Morning sun intruded at last and woke her. Absently she searched for the weighty firmness next to her, but the sheets were cool to the touch. As if electrocuted, she jerked up, searching frantically around. In her confusion, she thought that she had dreamt the whole incident—his return, the bar, Coke, kiss—and with her dreams being so vivid lately, fuelled by her longing and sadness, she didn’t think it was impossible. But then her gaze fell on the unmade, crumpled bed sheets on the sofa and she knew that she didn’t imagine it. She jumped off the bed and ran through living room into the kitchen.
Caleb was standing at the stove, clad only in jeans, barefoot, his long torso nude, his hair big and thick and piled around his head.
Her wildly beating heart hurt her chest and she slipped to the floor, sliding along the doorframe.
He turned around, looking at her with some confusion.
“Breakfast?” he then asked.
She wiped her tears and nodded, watching him, arms wrapped around her knees.
“It’s not like I’d leave…like a thief in the night,” he muttered. “I aint leaving ‘till you throw me out.”
She smiled faintly and murmured,
“Not gonna happen.”
“Bed head,” he laughed, looking at her.
“I’d imagine,” she chuckled, trying to smooth her hair down. “I should probably go and make myself presentable.”
“You are presentable enough to me. But if you must…”
She got up and smiled at him.
“Please don’t go anywhere,” she requested.
“Promise!” he raised his hand, in mock swearing.
She went to the bathroom, threw off her pajamas and stepped into the shower.
The hot water shocked her body, since she was too lost in her thoughts to regulate it, and she shrieked and fumbled with the knobs.
“Can’t leave you alone for a second! Here you are, scalding yourself for no reason,” Caleb’s voice was behind her, mocking, laughing, yet sweetly hoarse and quiet. “How did you ever survive without me?”
She gushed softly, but then, decided that it was all right to turn around. And there he was, naked and lean, clearly in need of some meat on his bones, watching her through the glass shower door, arms folded on his chest, a slow grin spread over his face. His blue eyes glared at her, bold, unblinking, taking in every bit of her own nudity, which she revealed to him without any unnecessary modesty.
They watched each other for a long time, silent. Water was beating down on her, lathering her exposed form, draping it in a shiny sheen, droplets falling off her nipples and eyelashes.
In one stride he reached the door and opened it, stepping into the enclosure and she leapt into his arms, pressing her whole body into the familiar, sinewy firmness of him.
“Just one glance at you, and I am back at being obsessed,” he muttered, with exasperation, aggravated at his own weakness for her. With one arm, he lifted her off the floor and kissed her softly. She remembered that there was something wrong with his left shoulder and just as she thought of it, his face contorted and he set her back on the floor.
‘Oh, fuck me! Not now,” he muttered.
His left arm hung limp by his side.
“What’s wrong with it? How do you fix it?” she asked, worried.
“You know about this?” he wondered.
“Yes, Darrin told me,” she said.
“Oh…yes…I remember. Never was I so close to killing a man as I was then…when he told me that he saw you and talked to you as well!”
“Why kill him?”
“Because I was jealous! I wanted to see you. It was Christmas and I was lonely like hell, and all I could think of was you. And then he arrives and tells me that he saw you, and that you looked great, and had a trunk-full of gifts. And I wondered who the gifts were for, and if you had a man, and they were for him.
“It drove me insane.”
She wrapped her arm around him and caressed his cheek, kissing him, feeling the warmth of his member in the pit of her stomach, and the slight movement when she bit his upper lip softly.
“Help me?” he asked at last, reluctantly parting from her mouth. “You gotta push it back, and put back into the socket.”
She nodded and after a couple of tries, she heard a click, and the arm began to move again.
“Thanks, sweetheart.”
He swung it back and forth, testing the newfound movement, but it worked well.
“Awesome! And you are much gentler than my brothers and roadies.”
She smiled, but then his face darkened, turned serious, and with one smooth movement he pushed her against the cold tiled wall and put his arms on neither side of her, biting her neck, hard. She gushed, as the sharp teeth took a bit of her tender flesh and the lips smoothed the pain with loving strokes. She grabbed his hip and pulled him closer, feeling the heat of his arousal, and wrapped her leg around his, while he slowly descended down her shoulder and to her luscious breasts with his lips. Warm water poured over them and when he pulled her nipple in his mouth, sucking it deeply and hungrily, cupping her bottom in his hand, she slid down a few inches, because her legs betrayed her. He filled his large palms with the soft, pliant flesh of her breasts, running his thumbs over her nipples, as he returned to her mouth and licked on her lips, before his tongue slipped inside and she kissed him voraciously, completely overcome by a craving desire of such ferocity, that it surprised her. She thought that she would be much more rational, give him the cold shoulder, keep him at bay for a while, but instead, he rendered her completely mindless with need and she was awash with love and desire almost instantly. Lips fused together, the two of them swayed together for a while, him caressing her body with ample, loving strokes, before he tore away and began to kiss her from her wrists, down her arms, over her breasts, softly biting her nipples, and making her squirm with pleasure. Stooping lower, to her hollow belly, slightly protruding hip bones, and the long thighs, his mouth and tongue artfully avoided the one place where wanted to dive in the most; the pink, tempting vessel of her womb.
“Jesus, I could never forget how you taste…” he muttered, raking his stubble against the tender skin of her inner thigh, and causing her to scream out, simply because the sensation of that hairy harshness was so familiar and so pleasing to her.
Her fingers kneaded the beefiness of his shoulders, and she swept the long hair off his face, so she could see his face and his high forehead and he looked up at her and smiled.
‘Remember, before, we’ve only done it five times…” he recalled. “That’s all.”
She nodded. She remembered each time, because it was easy, and because she thought that that’s all she’ll have for her to remember. Just the five times.
“So I just want you to know,” he said, “that I love you. ‘Cus it’s sure isn’t sex-related…I couldn’t be this crazy about a girl with whom I’ve had sex only five times. I just really like you. I don’t know what it is about you, but it’s like you can read my soul or something. And it doesn’t scare me either, because before, I would’ve ran away from this. And now, I am coming back and I want more and more. And I came back because I love you, and I couldn’t stand being without you anymore.”
“Caleb, I’ve always loved you,” simply said she and bent to kiss him. “And I reckon, that for better or for worse, I will never stop.”
“I know. Thank you.”
